For Father's Day, support mental health for dads before crisis hits | Opinion – The Providence Journal

           This past spring, a young father in Louisiana killed eight children, seven of them his own, before taking his own life during a confrontation with police.
His family later told reporters he had been struggling with his mental health. He had talked about suicide and described being consumed by “dark thoughts.” Relatives said he was also overwhelmed by personal struggles, including a looming divorce.
The details are almost impossible to comprehend. In a matter of minutes, eight children lost their lives and families were shattered. In the wake of the violence, a community was left trying to make sense of something that may never fully be explained.
Let’s be clear. Mental health challenges don’t excuse violence, abuse, or neglect. Accountability, access to care and reducing stigma around men’s health are of the utmost importance.
But, when something this horrific happens, as a society we should pause and be willing to ask hard questions about systemic issues contributing to the mental health of our fathers. We should openly discuss warning signs such as isolation, increased irritability and feelings of hopelessness that men often carry in silence. 
As someone who works with fathers every day, one question stays with me: Why do we so often wait until fathers reach a crisis point before we talk to them about their mental health?
Everyday, through my work with the Caring Dads Program, I meet fathers who are trying to repair relationships with their children and better understand how their mental health impacts their ability to parent effectively and the lasting effect on their families.
These are not easy conversations. They’re not about making excuses, they’re about creating safe spaces for healing,  accountability and, most importantly, eliminating the stigma that encompasses fathers and mental health.
A father might initially come in to Family Service focused on an argument with a co-parent, a court case, or frustration over not seeing his children as much as he wants. But as the weeks go on, deeper issues often start to surface.
Oftentimes, it’s unresolved trauma. Oftentimes, it’s depression. Oftentimes, it’s anxiety that has been there for years. Oftentimes, it’s stress that’s been building for so long that it simply feels normal.
Many of the fathers I meet have spent years believing they should handle everything on their own. They have been taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that showing emotion is dangerous. Many believe that being a good father simply means working hard and providing financially.
Those things can be really difficult to unlearn.
But children experience more than what a parent provides. They experience how a parent responds to stress and they notice how conflict is handled. Kids absorb the emotional climate around them.
For some fathers, the Caring Dads program is the first opportunity they have had to step back and think about that. That kind of reflection isn’t soft. It’s some of the hardest work around.
A father cannot change a behavior he doesn’t understand. He cannot respond differently to stress if he has never examined where that stress is coming from. And he cannot build a healthier relationship with his children, with his family, without first taking an honest look at himself.
That is why supporting fathers’ mental health is part of protecting children.
We know children benefit when fathers are positively engaged in their lives. They need fathers and father figures who are present, steady, safe and emotionally available. But we do not get there by pretending fathers should know how to do everything on their own.
This Father’s Day, we should celebrate the fathers who show up every day for their children. We should honor the dads doing the quiet, steady work that often goes unnoticed.
But we should also make room for a more honest conversation. Fathers need support, too. Not after a crisis. Not when a family is already falling apart, but before. Because the best time to help a father is long before anyone is asking what went wrong.
Kinzel Thomas is the vice president of community development at Family Service of Rhode Island.

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