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by Seth Kingsley
Brad Pitt. Alaska. A plane crash. A dog. We have never felt so seen and so threatened at the same time.
Look, we've watched Brad Pitt outrun bullets, out-charm the devil, and outlast nearly every franchise Hollywood has thrown at him. The man has range.
But nothing, not "Fight Club," not "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood," not even his perfectly timed "F1" helmet hair, has prepared us for what Paramount just unleashed at CinemaCon, according to THR:
A sneak peek at the 62-year-old star's upcoming survival flick!
"Heart of the Beast" has us in a chokehold, and here's exactly why we're not even trying to tap out.
A former Army Special Forces vet stranded in Alaska after a plane crash? Director David Ayer (who already made Pitt do emotionally devastating things to us in "Fury" back in 2014) clearly has no interest in letting audiences have a relaxing evening at the movies.
So, bring a stress ball and some Chamomile tea.
"One last mission. I'm not going to let you die out here." Sir. Sir. Those words were spoken to a dog. A combat dog. Brad Pitt's combat dog. We have already begun stress-eating.
Also, we've seen enough movies to know that "one last mission" never means one last mission. It means approximately seven more missions, each worse than the last.
We shudder to think what "one last mission" looks like by movie three. Brad Pitt. The Sahara. A goldfish named Gilbert.
Let’s be honest: audiences have a complicated relationship with survival movies. We accept that the human protagonist will suffer tremendously, including hypothermia, starvation, existential dread, a bad river crossing, and chapped lips (oh, the humanity!!!), because that’s the genre. We signed up for that.
But the moment that trailer showed Brad Pitt reaching across a rushing river to stop his dog from being swept away… only to fall in himself… every person watching collectively grabbed their armrests and whispered "don't you dare." The unspoken contract of cinema is clear: Brad Pitt may suffer. Brad Pitt may struggle. Brad Pitt may deliver a tearful monologue in the snow.
The dog goes home. Those are the terms. We don't make the rules.
Forget vision boards. Forget self-help books. This is our new life motto. We are applying it to everything like getting out of bed on a Monday, parallel parking, assembling IKEA furniture. Brad Pitt looked a dog in the eyes after a plane crash and made a promise. The least we can do is match that energy.
Damien Chazelle, aka the man responsible for "La La Land" making an entire generation cry in an Uber, is a one of the movie's producers. Also, J.K. Simmons and Anna Lambe round out the cast, and the script comes from Cameron Alexander. This is not a film that will allow you to feel nothing.
Oh, and why have we waited this long to mention the dog is a German Shepherd? A Goldendoodle is many things, but "reliable backup against a grizzly bear" is not one of them.
Deadline reports "Heart of the Beast" is headed to theaters this fall, and we are already not okay about it. We know how survival movies work. We know the wilderness doesn't care about promises. We know "one last mission" is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
And yet, when Brad Pitt looks at that dog and pledges to get them out alive, we believe him completely. That's the chokehold. That's always been the chokehold.
(The dog better make it home. We cannot stress this enough.)
In the meantime, we'll be keeping an eye out for the official trailer to drop outside the guarded doors of CinemaCon.
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