This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. – In an unexpected shift, Los Alamitos High School seniors have stopped driving off campus to get lunch and, instead, are remaining within school gates to eat. The change is both startling and mysterious to LAHS staff and the rest of the student population.
According to recent school records, LAHS has seen a 200% decrease in student off-campus checkouts through the 5-Star Student App. Additionally, campus security staff report that there have been absolutely zero cars leaving the parking lot during lunch since Wednesday, April 1.
“There has been zero traffic in the parking lot, it’s like a ghost town,” said campus security staff member Mr. Pete Zah.
In a statement on behalf of the school, the LAHS principal said that she will support the seniors’ decisions on where they eat their lunch, whether it’s at school or not. She also clarified that LAHS has never threatened the seniors or forced them to stay on campus, despite recent rumors.
“Although I do think it’s really weird, I’m glad that our seniors think that actually eating lunch at school is still ‘cool,’” she said.
The Griffin Gazette decided to investigate this issue further and get the perspective from LAHS seniors themselves.
“I realized that staying on campus for lunch was a lot more fun than going out to buy Chick-fil-A,” said one LAHS senior, Sam Which.
However, many non-seniors are feeling the effects of this change, especially the juniors who have their off-campus pass but not their driver’s license. One junior, Chris P. Bacon, explained that he used to rely on his senior friends to drive him off campus to buy lunch, but can no longer do so now.
“I’m bummed because I don’t have my license yet, so how am I going to get Chipotle for lunch without my senior friends to drive me?” he said.
This radical shift on campus has redefined what it means to be an LAHS senior; instead of enjoying the well-deserved perks of 12th grade, students are deciding to make the most of their final weeks of high school by staying on the campus they originally fell in love with during freshman year.
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Breaking news: Seniors stay on campus for lunch – The Griffin Gazette
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